Talli’s blog

So I haven't posted in over a year. Honestly, it's because I keep people updated through Twitter and Facebook, I don't always feel the need to write a new blog.

But now I do. Because I feel like so many things are happening and about to happen. This has been such an amazing month. An amazing year, really.

I'm sure nobody reads this anymore, but I still wanted to write and get all of this out.

Almost exactly a year ago, I began attending a new church. A NEW church, as in I attended their second week of officially meeting. I automatically felt at home. I came to the church initially because they were looking for a keyboard player. I began playing pretty early on, and was able to spend so much wonderful time with so many of the members and staff.

I love the heartbeat of this church. They are committed to being the kind of church that Jesus was talking about. They have revitalized my faith and my excitement about God, Jesus, and church.

The first week I attended, they gave everyone a $100 bill. They asked everyone to use it for someone or something in need. If you were the one in need, they encouraged you to keep it. A few of us went to IHOP the next night, and one of us still had our $100. We left that as a tip for our waitress who was so sweet and had given up her career in dance to come here and take care of her mother. She was excited about a $20 tip from another table, so we could only imagine how'd she feel about the $100 tip. In addition to this large tip, we all tipped her normally for our meal. We weren't able to see how she reacted, but we were all very excited about being able to do that.

Then, at the beginning of this year, I was given a check for $500 from an anonymous source at the church (though I have a pretty good idea since it's so small and not many people could just write a check for $500 for someone.) This person had heard that I was struggling financially and with debt, and because of this check, I was able to pay off my debt and save a little bit for later. In addition to this, in the same month (January) I received a settlement check for a class action law suit I wasn't even aware was going on. My name was on a list of people who had complained about the company, and so I received a check. I also was given more hours at my job that month. My income that month was more than 3 times as much as usual! It was a huge blessing!

This is the kind of church that CityEdge is.

And yesterday, our pastor Billy who had brought all of these people together, brought staff from Texas and Oklahoma, announced that he is resigning.

We waited for the catch. There was none.

On January 10th of this year, his wife's mother, father, grandmother, and uncle were involved in a car crash. Her father, grandmother, and uncle all died. Her mother, thankfully, was okay for the most part. She came here to recuperate, but then recently moved back to Oklahoma.

Billy felt God calling him to support his wife and his mother-in-law. His mother-in-law was going back to her old life without her husband, without her mother, without her uncle. He felt he would be a hypocrite if he didn't answer the call of his "burden" (something he talks about a lot.) By burden, he means that thing that you are called to. If your heart breaks when you see the starving children in Africa, that is your burden.

After a lot of prayer and talking with his staff and inquiring about jobs, he decided that this was the right decision. This is God's plan. He sent out a few resumes, and was able to find a job. He will be working as a head pastor for a church in Oklahoma that has been without a pastor for a year and a half and has no direction. This is what he does best. He inspires people and brings life into the church.

So now that we have no pastor, CityEdge will be joining with another like-minded church here in Tucson, Epic Church. It is only a few weeks older than CityEdge and has had a very close relationship with the members and staff of our church for years. Epic Church has the same heartbeat as CityEdge. We will now all be taking on the name Epic Church. This is an exciting and logical change for all of us. The pastor of Epic, Jake, is very good at implementing ideas, which I think CityEdge needs a little help with. As Jake said, maybe it was God's plan all along. In order to get the CityEdge staff here to Tucson and the CityEdge congregation to Epic, God used Billy. Billy brought us all together, and we will miss him and his wife Ami. They have been so inspiring and supportive.

In other areas of my life, there have also been some exciting things happening. I've finally found a medication that works really well, and is also affordable. I am really glad I am finally able to function properly.

Also, I have begun writing fiction and posting it on various web sites. I post it for free, but accept donations. I have made a decent amount through donations, and have over 1,000 readers. I have had so much great feedback from people who have loved the story. I never thought of myself as a writer, but once I found something to write about, it came easily. There are still some things I need to improve on, but I am very excited about this new endeavor.

And lastly, there is something that has only just been "solidified" a few hours ago. A friend of mine is starting his own recording company. He got a degree in sound and music engineering (or something like that), and has a lot of experience. I offered to help him start the company and bring in clients for free, then get paid when he gets paid. A lot of people say not to do something free, because then you'll never get paid for it. But I say, with the music business, sometimes to stand out you have to work for free if the other person cannot afford to pay you yet.

So I will be meeting with him while he records some more original material for samples (he's an amazing musician as well.) I might even sing on some of the tracks. I will also be spreading the word about his incredible prices (less than a fourth of what any other studio would charge, with the same or better quality.)

And that's been my life. Over this past year, I've made so many amazing, new, supportive friends, and have strengthened, grown, and/or rejuvenated so many existing friendships. I have changed my view and attitude on so many things.

I'm excited about this new chapter in my life, and hope to be sharing more soon.

So that was a negative post.... But now that I've had time to cool off, I thought I'd post about the fact that this has been the best Christmas so far. I love the church that I'm attending, and all of the people there, and there's just been a really optimistic feeling about this year. I can't wait to see what happens next...

So I haven't written in 4 months, but I've been meaning to lately. Originally, the other day when I decided to begin writing again, I had planned on writing about forgiveness. Billy has been preaching "Christ is For-Giving" for the past two weeks, and it's been a great series. After the first Sunday, we talked about it at Lifegroups the next night (Monday), and it was one of the best Lifegroups. We were all able to share our hurts from family and friends (guess who I talked about). And after that, without even really spending much time praying about it, I was feeling optimistic about my relationship with my mother. Maybe even optimistic enough to really talk about it with her and figure out together how we can continue any sort of relationship. We've talked before, but's it's been when we were both very emotional and talking about a single circumstance; but if we could talk about everything objectively, maybe we could resolve some things.

But then Christmas came. And, as a lot of people know, Christmastime is not a very good time for our relationship. Every year, there's something that happens, and something we fight about; usually having to do with the gifts. Now, it may not seem like it, but I'm more of a giver than a receiver. But if I am going to be receiving, I'd like there to be at least some thought into it, and not be a waste of money (i.e. something I would never use, and therefore just goes to waste.) And that, really is what is at the core of all of our Christmas arguements. And I get it, I'm sure my mother always thinks that I'm just being ungrateful and materialistic, but after a lot of thought, I've realized that it's not really about that at all. And most people that have heard about previous Christmases from me, probably think the same thing. But it's really not that; so here's what it really is:

My mother does not express love vocally or physically (hugging and such). She expresses it by making a meal, or buying something, or giving money (well, lending it, really.) So the reason I get so upset when she doesn't put any real effort into gifts at Christmas, or when she asks when I'm going to pay her back money that she lent to me, is because I feel like she doesn't care. If this is the only way she expresses love, and this is how she does it, then it doesn't feel like love to me.

Here's this Christmases conundrum: I made everything easy. I only asked for clothes, and I made wish lists online, sent her links to the lists, so all she had to do was click "Add to Cart", enter in some information, and voila, they show up on her doorstep in 7-10 days. I even made a list with everything in order of what I wanted the most. I told her to keep a record of everything she bought so she would know that everything came and that it was for me (sometimes she forgets what she bought for people, and labels the gifts wrong.)

The first sign I had that something was wrong, was that when we were opening early presents, I could only find about 4 or 5. Now, knowing how much she was spending on each of us, and about how much each gift would cost, this didn't add up at all. But, trying not to make waves, I didn't really say anything, knowing that it could all be a misunderstanding. But then this morning comes, and I find that there was no misunderstanding, and that it didn't add up. So I brought it up, thinking that maybe she ordered something and it didn't come, or she forgot to wrap it, and that that's something that should be brought up. After going through looking at the bank account and emails and the website, we found that 4 gifts from the same place were missing. The tracking page said it was delivered, so it was determined that it had come, my mom had hid it, then forgotten where she put it.

We still haven't found it, and after some "soul-searching" (and a lot of crying), I have determined that I am so upset, not because of the lack of gifts (because honestly, I'm grateful for what I got, and am not really that upset about not having what is lost), but because it makes me feel like she doesn't care. All she really had to do was keep track of what she ordered and make sure that it came, and that it was all wrapped and given to me. I spent at least 10 times that amount of effort on buying gifts for other people. And to top it all off, the other gifts that she got me that I didn't ask for (little things), are things I will never use. I would just rather her not have wasted the money. Now I have this stuff that I don't feel like I can give away, because they're gifts. At least one of the gifts is something that I can't use. And she was aware of that (or at least of the possibility), but she got it anyway. And at the same time, she's complaining about all the money that was spent. Well, don't spend money on useless stuff.

And I guess that's the end. It's just hurt upon hurt upon hurt, all over again. I'm probably going to go to Billy's for Christmas dinner; I just can't be around her right now.

We had a very good Bible Study last night. Not only because we had the most people we've ever had come (13), but because it's cleared up a lot of things that have needed to be cleared up.

We read through the first half of the first chapter of James. The part we spent the most time on was James 1:6-8.

But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. For let not that man think that he shall receive any thing of the Lord. A double minded man is unstable in all his ways.

We spent a lot of time hashing out what is really meant in this passage. One of the things that I really got out of it is the following. We waver more often than we think. And if we waver, then God can't give us what He wants to give us, what we want to receive. In prayer, more often than not, we pray for guidance in a situation, but as soon as we finish praying, we start trying to figure out the situation ourselves. We don't need a back-up plan. And what we fail to realize is that the mere existence of our back-up plan is what keeps us from getting what we've asked for. So because of this, we think that God doesn't want to help us. And therefore we are more likely in the future to waver in our belief that He can provide for us. Even if you say you believe that God will give you want you ask for, if you have any other plan other than God's, that shows that you don't truly believe that God will provide.

With God, there's no need for contingencies.

This opened my eyes. I've tried to take it on myself. Even though I pray and give it to God, I still try to figure it out for myself. I guess I've always thought that it was too easy to just be able to give it God. Like if I wasn't able to work for it, I wouldn't deserve it. It's difficult even now. I feel like I'm lazy or procrastinating. And maybe I am, but I just have to trust that God will give me what I need to get through all of the things I've been struggling with lately.

My mom thinks I'm bipolar.

Maybe I am.

It would explain a lot.

Oh, and turns out the head pains are probably stress-related. Surprise, surprise.

Where is my mind?

Awesome song, but also the story of my life as of late.

Latest brain malfunction: I had put an appointment in my phone to meet with someone (alias Joan Summers) for 2:00 today. But since I didn't put a location in, I went searching through my emails only to find that I have not communicated at all with one Joan Summers. So now I'm frantically going through all of my emails trying to figure out who Joan is. Did I delete her email? No, not in the trash folder, and that hasn't been emptied lately. Not in any other folders either. I then search for her name with my handy-dandy Gmail search feature. Turns out there IS a Joan Summers. She was CC'd on 3 email forwards I'd received over 2 years ago. And just now (like as in right after I typed that last sentence) I realized what must have happened. I figured out before that I had meant to put in a tentative appointment with a Jenny (alias; both real names are similar), but somehow got confused and put in Joan Summers instead. You see, Joan works at Desert Cardiology. And I've been working with the personnel files, and I worked with Joan's this week. Somehow my brain confused all of that (even though I put the appointment in my phone at home, not at work).

But that's not the best part. Since I had put the tentative time under a different name, I set the real appointment up with Jenny at 3:45, since I had an appointment with Joan Summers (a.k.a. Jenny) at 2:00. Seriously brain damaged. I'm really starting to think I should get a brain scan or something. Really. I've been having weird, random head pains, and now all of these brain malfunctions. I don't really think there's anything wrong, but maybe it's better to check and feel stupid then to not check and be too late to do anything about it.

Wow, that just took a depressing turn. Didn't mean for that to happen. Apologies.

(All of these appointments are meetings with families that I might work with in the future, to clarify.)

Can people just leave well enough alone? Or just mind their own business?

My mom keeps leaving my door open trying to get my room cooler. And to me, it feels fine. So when she leaves the door open, the dog can get in. So anything within his reach is in danger of being taken and either hidden or chewed by him. I just bought some brand new socks, and now I'm down one pair (only one sock, but I can't very well use the other now). It's just frustrating. I'm 21 years old. If I need my room to be cooler, I can figure it out. There's a reason I keep my door closed when I'm not there. Not for privacy obviously, but because of the dog.

Ughhh!

Been crazy busy. Mostly reading the Twilight series. All 4 books (approximately 2400 pages) in a week. I actually had to force myself to take a break and watch some TV. But I finished all of them, and now I can't wait for the movie to come out in December!

Also, my reason for posting: World Wide Moment 6. Everybody in Tucson take a picture tomorrow (Thursday the 7th) at 5:08 PM. Then upload that picture at www.worldwidemoment.org. Just a cool unity project to see what people around the world are looking at at a given moment. Anyone not in Tucson, just convert the time to your time zone (if it's different.)

So, in exactly 25 hours, I will be taking a picture, and so will hundreds or thousands of other people.

It's been a long time since I've posted, mostly because I've been so busy I haven't even thought about it. A lot has happened in the past month or so.

First off, I switched churches. For awhile now, I'd been meaning to check out this new church City Edge. I finally went, and I really liked it. Basically, their philosophy is "Love God. Love People." Also, they really want to go back to what Jesus originally made the church for. A big part of that is being there for the community. Not just going to church, but being the church.

Through the church, I met Julia and Bailey. They're roommates right now in an apartment, but their lease is up in August, so they want to rent a house. They needed a third roommate to do that, and they asked me to be that third roommate. What's great about that is that we all hit it off pretty much immediately. I think the first week I met them, there was only one day where I didn't see them. The other people that work at the church are Billy (the pastor), Ami (his wife), Sterling, and Lenny. Julia, Bailey, Sterling, and Lenny are all in their early twenties, so it's a very young staff.

As for the house, we've applied for one that is in the same neighborhood that I'm living right now (with my parents), so that's a little weird. But it has a private pool and jacuzzi, so we really wanted that house. We're just waiting to hear if we got it.

So I've been spending a lot of time with friends, which is made easier since Jay, Joel, and Tom got a house. We spend a lot of time over there.

And I found a new movie buddy in Sterling. We like a lot of the same movies, but there are a lot of movies that only one of us has seen and the other hasn't, so we're sharing those movies with each other. It's been a lot of fun.

Other than that, I've been working a lot trying to set some money aside for moving out. I have a new job as a cocktail waitress at an independent dinner theater downtown. It's really easy and the money's good ($8/h + tips).

So I guess that's pretty much an update on my life. I only have one semester left until I graduate, which is exciting (and I only have to take two classes to finish.) So I'm looking forward to being done with school. On the music front, there hasn't been a lot happening, but I'm content with that right now. There are some other things I want to focus on first, and then I can direct my focus back on music.

My name is Talli and I am a yep-aholic.

When someone thanks me for something, I immediately say "Yep."

What is wrong with me?